How to Make Friends as an Adult: The Power of Shared Firsts

If you can’t remember the last time you made a real new friend, you’re not broken. You’re normal.

In 2023, the US Surgeon General called loneliness an epidemic, with about half of American adults saying they feel it. Most of us just assume everyone else has their people figured out. They don’t.

I’m Amanda, the founder of SoFe. I’ve spent years watching total strangers become each other’s people in a matter of days, and I gave a TEDx talk about why. The short answer is something I call shared firsts. Here’s what that means, and how to use it at home, not just on the road.

Why making friends as an adult is so hard

When we were kids, friendship came built in. Same classroom, same team, same dorm hallway, every single day. Adult life takes all of that away. Work, partners, kids, moves and routines fill the calendar, and nobody hands you a group of people to see five days a week anymore.

And friendship takes real time. Research from the University of Kansas found it takes around 50 hours together to go from acquaintance to casual friend, and more than 200 hours to become close friends. When was the last time you spent 50 hours with someone new?

Then there’s the awkward part. Asking a grown woman to hang out can feel weirdly like asking someone on a date. So most of us don’t. We wait to be invited, and so does everyone else.

What is a shared first?

A shared first is exactly what it sounds like: doing something new, for the first time, with someone else.

When you try something for the first time, you’re a little nervous and a little out of your element. Nobody’s the expert. Everyone’s equally clumsy. And whatever happens, you walk away with a memory that only the people who were there share.

That’s the shortcut. A shared first doesn’t replace those 200 hours, but it makes them count for a lot more. Psychologist Arthur Aron found that couples who did new, exciting things together felt closer than couples who stuck to pleasant, familiar ones. Friendship works the same way. Familiar keeps a friendship comfortable. New makes it grow.

The night in a Romanian café

One of my favorite examples happened on one of our Romania trips. We’d spent a really cool day exploring ancient towns and cemeteries, and before bed, a few of us ducked into a little café down an alleyway.

There were six or seven of us around the table. And the women just started sharing how lonely they felt back home. How they didn’t feel like they had anyone they could really count on. And how refreshing and amazing it was to have this community on the trip.

Sitting there, it hit me. In just a few days, they had built the exact community they wished they had at home. Not because of the castles or the cobblestones, but because almost everything they’d done together was a first. That’s the power of a really good shared first.

Travel is shared firsts on fast-forward

Travel is the extreme version. You’re far from home, out of your comfort zone and doing something totally new in every sense of the word. A first meal, a first market, a first night somewhere you can’t read the signs. Every day is stacked with firsts, and you’re sharing all of them.

That’s why our trips are built the way they are: small groups of up to 14 women, most of whom come on their own. Everyone arrives as a stranger, and everyone chose to be there for the same reason. When you come by yourself and trust the process, it can be life-changing. I don’t say that lightly.

The proof is what happens after. Our travelers stay in touch, hang out back home, travel together again and call each other. Some of them even list each other as emergency contacts. It’s real. Jess, one of our travelers, wrote about finding her people on seven of our trips.

How to create shared firsts at home

You don’t need a passport for this. You can create micro shared firsts right where you live. A few ideas to start with:

Take a beginner class. Pottery, salsa, climbing, anything where everyone is equally bad at it.
Invite someone to the thing you’ve never done. “I’ve always wanted to try that hike, want to come?” is so much easier to say than “want to hang out?”
Be the one who suggests it. Most people are waiting for someone else to make the plan.
Go back. One shared first opens the door, and showing up again with the same people is what turns it into friendship.
Go a little deeper than small talk. Ask what she’s excited about lately, not just what she does for work.

And please hear this: it’s not weird to be an adult without a strong community. So many of us don’t, for so many reasons. But it’s something you can build, one first at a time.

Watch the talk

I go deeper into shared firsts, and the story of how I found them, in my TEDx talk.

FAQ: making friends as an adult

Is it normal to have no friends as an adult?

Yes, and it’s far more common than people admit. Moves, breakups, new jobs and new stages of life all shrink our circles. It says nothing about whether you’re likable.

How long does it take to make a friend as an adult?

Research suggests around 50 hours together to become casual friends and more than 200 to become close. Shared firsts help those hours count for more.

Where can I meet people as an adult?

Anywhere you can try something new alongside other people: classes, clubs, volunteering, run groups and group travel. Pick things that put you side by side doing something, not just sitting across a table making small talk.

Is a group trip a good way to make friends?

It’s one of the fastest. On a small group trip, you share days of firsts with women who all came looking for connection. Here’s our honest take on whether women-only group tours are worth it.

The bottom line

Friendship as an adult doesn’t happen by accident anymore. You have to create the moments. Start with one first.

Curious what a week of shared firsts looks like? See how our trips work, or take our trip quiz to find your match.

How to Choose Your First Solo Travel Destination

If you’re trying to figure out how to choose a solo travel destination for your first trip alone, you’re probably deep in the paralysis stage already. Safety is important, but it’s easy to find a country with a low crime rate. There are so many other factors to look at to determine which country is best for what you’re actually looking for and your experience level.

Here are some tips from our 580k+ member Facebook group.

How to Choose a Solo Travel Destination: The Checklist

Do they speak your language?

This sounds almost too obvious to say, but it’s the single biggest stress-reducer for a first solo trip. Not because you need everyone to speak English. Because when you can read a sign, ask a stranger for directions, or understand what’s happening when something goes sideways, your nervous system calms down. Save the language immersion challenge for trip number four.

Is there real tourism infrastructure?

A well-worn tourist path isn’t a boring choice. It’s a smart one. It means reliable transportation, people used to helping travelers, and systems already built for someone doing exactly what you’re about to do. You are not looking for undiscovered. You are looking for supported.

Can you wander it on foot?

A city you can walk around in, get a little lost in, and find your way back from, tells you a lot in the first two hours. It’s how you build trust with a place. If your first destination requires you to figure out a complicated transit system or hire a driver just to feel oriented, that’s a lot to ask of day one.

What’s the culture shock level, really?

This is the one people skip, and it’s the one that actually wrecks first trips. A destination can be statistically safe and still be completely overwhelming if you’ve never experienced that level of sensory intensity before.

We know a woman who chose India for her first solo trip ever. Not because anything was wrong with the choice on paper. India wasn’t the problem. The problem was that she had zero prior experience with things like relentless street harassment or the sheer sensory volume of a place that intense, and nothing had prepared her for what that would feel like to navigate completely alone. She didn’t have a bad trip because she was reckless. She had a bad trip because the gap between her experience level and the destination’s intensity was too big. It took her years before she tried solo travel again.

That’s not a reason to avoid intense, incredible places forever. It’s a reason to not make them your first one.

How are women actually treated there day to day?

This is different from crime statistics. This is street harassment norms, cultural attitudes, the small daily frictions that wear you down even when nothing “dangerous” happens. Look for real accounts from women who’ve actually been there, not just an overall safety index.

Does it fit your actual budget for the length of trip you want?

Not glamorous, but it’s a real factor. A financially stressful trip adds a layer of anxiety that has nothing to do with the destination itself and everything to do with checking your bank account every night.

A member of our Facebook group describes calculating everything down the the penny before her first solo trip. But because she budgeted so tightly, she didn’t end up having any money left for the cute souvenirs she really wanted to buy at a pop-up shop or the daily boba she really wanted. And then when she broke her finger after getting it caught on her backpack being yanked out her of hand by the eager taxi driver, she had to call her parents for help. Since her parents didn’t support this trip in the first place, she really swallowed her pride in that one.

But it teaches us an important lesson. Leave your budget room to breathe.

Know your level before you pick

Every destination has a difficulty level. Not how amazing it is, but how much it asks of you when you’re on your own. Here’s a rough way to sort them.

Level 1: Easy first trips. Simple transport, lots of English, and tourism set up for people doing exactly what you’re doing. Think Japan, Ireland, Canada, Costa Rica or Bali. Great for proving to yourself that you can do this.

Level 2: A little more friction. You’ll hit a language barrier, getting around takes more planning, and you’ll need decent street smarts. Think Portugal, Vietnam, Peru, or Turkey outside the big cities.

Level 3: Go big. Big cultural differences, serious sensory overload, and logistics that can eat a whole day. Think India, Egypt, Morocco, Uganda, Mongolia or Kyrgyzstan. These are some of the most incredible places on earth, and also the ones most likely to wreck a first solo trip. (See: the India story above.)

Here’s the thing about Level 3 places. With a local guide and a small group, they start to feel like Level 1. You get the camel rides and the temples without spending your energy on transport, scams and safety calls. It’s why a group trip is such a good way to do India, Egypt or Kyrgyzstan for the first time. Sophie started three months of solo travel through Central Asia on our Kyrgyzstan trip for exactly that reason.

Or skip the whole checklist

There’s actually a shortcut through this entire list. It’s called a SoFe Travel Trip.

On one of our tours, most of this checklist just… stops mattering. Don’t speak the language? Doesn’t matter, we’ve got that covered. Not sure if a street’s fine to walk down at night? Ask your guide, get a real answer, move on with your night. Nervous about the whole “figuring it out solo” thing? You’ll still get plenty of solo time to roam, explore, and have your own little main-character moments. You just won’t be the one responsible for logistics, safety calls, or googling “is this neighborhood okay” at 11pm.

It’s still your trip. It’s just the easy version. The safe version. The one where you get all the good parts of solo travel and skip the parts that make you want two glasses of wine before you even book the flight.

It doesn’t matter how you travel, as long as you go!

FAQ

How do I know if a destination is safe for solo female travel?

Look past a single “safety ranking” and check for language accessibility, tourism infrastructure, and real accounts from women who’ve traveled there recently. A place can be low-crime and still be a rough first solo trip if you’re not prepared for the cultural intensity.

Is it safe to travel alone as a woman if I've never left the country before?

Yes, but your first international solo trip should be chosen with your experience level in mind, not just a general safety list. Ease into it with a destination that matches several of the checkpoints above before going somewhere more intense.

What's the easiest first solo trip destination for someone who doesn't speak another language?

Anywhere the local language is your first language, or widely spoken as a second language, removes one of the biggest sources of first-trip anxiety.

Should I pick a "popular" destination or something more off the beaten path for my first trip?

Popular, at least for trip one. A well-traveled destination means more infrastructure, more available help, and more women who’ve done exactly what you’re about to do. Save off the beaten path for once you have a trip or two under your belt.

How do I stop overthinking which destination to pick?

Run it through a short list of concrete checkpoints instead of an endless mental pros and cons list. Language, infrastructure, walkability, and culture shock level will get you to a real answer faster than another hour of googling “safest countries.”

Why Every Woman Should Experience Solo Travel

Solo travel—just saying those words brings an instant rush of excitement, doesn’t it? The idea of venturing out into the world on your own, leaving behind the familiar and embracing the unknown, is something so many women dream of. But often, that dream gets pushed aside. We’ve all heard the doubts: “Is it safe?” “Am I brave enough?” “What if I get lonely?”

I get it. These thoughts are normal. But I can tell you this: solo travel is one of the most empowering, life-changing experiences you can have as a woman. It’s not just about exploring new places—it’s about discovering yourself, overcoming challenges, and embracing the freedom to shape your journey in your own image.

Let me share why every woman should experience solo travel at least once in her life.

1. The Empowerment of Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone

The first step is always the hardest, but once you take it, something magical happens. The moment you step outside of your comfort zone, you begin to grow in ways you never imagined. Solo travel challenges you to navigate unfamiliar cities, communicate across language barriers, and make decisions independently. Every new situation becomes an opportunity to push yourself beyond what you thought was possible.

For me, traveling solo was a journey of building confidence. I learned to trust my instincts, to embrace uncertainty, and to take ownership of my own path. I realized that I am capable of handling whatever comes my way—whether it’s catching a flight to a city where I don’t speak the language or figuring out how to navigate a new subway system in a foreign country. Each challenge I faced made me stronger.

Breaking free from the expectations others may place on you—whether it’s society, family, or friends—by traveling solo is one of the most liberating feelings you’ll ever experience. Solo travel is an act of defiance, of telling the world that you are in charge of your own destiny.

2. Building Deep Connections with Yourself

When you travel alone, you’re forced to spend time with the most important person in your life: yourself. And that can be a scary thought. We’re so often busy juggling responsibilities and commitments that we don’t always make time for self-reflection. Solo travel gives you that gift.

I’ve found that the quiet moments between activities—sipping coffee in a café, walking through a new neighborhood, or even sitting by the beach—are when I’ve made some of my most important realizations. Solo travel opens the door to deep self-reflection, clarity, and the opportunity to rediscover who you truly are.

Through this process, I built a stronger connection with my inner self. I gained a greater understanding of my passions, desires, and dreams. It was through traveling solo that I found the courage to pursue The Solo Female Traveler Network, and it’s through every journey I take that I continue to nurture that connection with myself.

3. The Beauty of Freedom

One of the best things about solo travel is the complete freedom it offers. When you’re traveling alone, there are no compromises. You decide when to wake up, what to eat, where to go, and what to do. It’s all up to you, and that’s incredibly liberating.

I’ll never forget the first time I traveled solo to a destination I’d been dreaming about for years. I didn’t have to ask anyone for approval or consult anyone about what to do next. I could go wherever my heart led me. I wandered through ancient ruins, got lost in the charm of hidden alleyways, and even spent an entire afternoon in a local park, reading a book without a care in the world. It was pure joy.

Solo travel strips away the pressure of catering to anyone else’s needs, and it lets you indulge in your own experiences without distraction. You get to explore the world on your terms—and that kind of freedom is priceless.

4. Discovering New Perspectives and Cultures

Traveling alone doesn’t just give you the chance to explore new places—it also opens the door to connecting with different cultures on a deeper level. When you’re not bound by the familiar, you become more open to the world around you.

I’ve found that the best cultural experiences often happen when you’re traveling solo. Whether it’s striking up a conversation with a local shopkeeper or enjoying an impromptu meal with strangers who become friends, solo travel gives you the space to engage in ways that might not happen when you’re traveling with a group.

Solo travel allows you to experience a place through your own lens. You can engage with locals on your own terms, without feeling the need to adhere to a pre-determined itinerary or follow a group dynamic. This makes for more meaningful, authentic experiences that expand your worldview.

5. Facing Challenges with Grace and Resilience

Let’s be honest—solo travel isn’t always easy. There will be moments when things don’t go as planned. Maybe your flight is delayed, or maybe you miss your connection. Perhaps you get lost in a city or face language barriers. But that’s where the real magic happens.

For me, some of the most rewarding moments of solo travel have been when I’ve had to figure things out on my own. Whether it’s solving a problem or finding my way in an unfamiliar city, each challenge I faced built my resilience.

By confronting the unknown and learning to adapt, I became more resourceful, patient, and confident. And those qualities have stayed with me long after the trip is over.

6. The Joy of Solo Travel for Women

There’s something uniquely empowering about being a woman who travels alone. Despite the stereotypes that often surround women who travel solo, we are not only capable—we thrive. The sense of freedom, independence, and self-sufficiency that comes with traveling alone is incredibly empowering.

Solo travel, for women, is an act of rebellion against societal expectations that often place restrictions on where and how we can travel. It’s a way to reclaim our space in the world, to tell the world we belong wherever we choose to go.

And let’s not forget the incredible sense of camaraderie within the solo female traveler community. I’ve had the privilege of meeting so many amazing women who have shared their stories and experiences with me. There’s a beautiful bond that forms when women support each other on the road—and it’s one of the most powerful aspects of solo travel.

7. How Solo Travel Changes Your Life

The impact of solo travel doesn’t end when the trip is over. In fact, it has a ripple effect that touches nearly every aspect of your life. The confidence, independence, and resilience you gain from solo travel can completely transform how you approach both your personal and professional life.

For me, traveling solo has been a constant source of inspiration. It’s encouraged me to follow my dreams, take risks, and build the kind of life I’ve always wanted. And by stepping outside my comfort zone, I’ve created a life that feels more aligned with my passions and values.

FAQ About Solo Travel for Women

1. Is solo travel safe for women?

Yes, solo travel is safe when approached with preparation and awareness. Always do your research on the destination, follow safety tips, and stay connected with trusted friends or family. Many solo female travelers report feeling empowered and confident in the right circumstances.

2. How can I start planning my first solo trip?

Begin by choosing a destination that excites you and feels manageable for your first solo journey. Consider factors like language, safety, and ease of transportation. Start small—perhaps a weekend getaway—and gradually work your way up to more ambitious adventures.

3. What if I get lonely while traveling alone?

Loneliness can happen, but it’s also a great opportunity for self-reflection and connection. Solo travel often leads to meeting new people and forming meaningful relationships with fellow travelers or locals. Embrace the moments of solitude as part of the experience.

4. How do I stay safe while traveling alone?

Staying safe while traveling solo involves being proactive. Trust your instincts, stay aware of your surroundings, avoid risky situations, and make sure someone knows your itinerary. Consider joining local tours or connecting with other solo travelers for added security.

5. Will solo travel change my life?

Absolutely! Solo travel is transformative. It encourages you to break out of your comfort zone, discover new strengths, and embrace a more independent and fearless mindset. You’ll return from your trip with new perspectives, memories, and a deeper sense of who you are.

Every woman deserves to experience the empowering, transformative power of solo travel. It’s a journey of self-discovery, growth, and adventure. It’s a journey that will teach you to trust yourself, embrace your independence, and face the world with confidence.

If you’ve been thinking about your own solo travel dreams, I encourage you to take that first step. Whether it’s a weekend getaway or a month-long adventure, the world is waiting for you. Solo travel is an invitation to live on your own terms, to explore the world, and to connect with your most authentic self.

At The Solo Female Traveler Network, we believe in empowering women to step into their own adventure. Start turning those travel dreams into a reality. The world is yours to discover, and it’s time to begin.

Behind The Scene Of Our First Solo Female Traveler Tour

Amanda here 👋, founder of this group and our Meetup Tours to 15+ countries around the world. Today, we specialize in tours to countries often considered less safe or challenging for solo female travelers—think Egypt, India, Morocco, Mongolia, and more. But go back 6 and a half years to our first-ever trip, and you might wonder why I chose Bali—a safe, easy destination—as our debut tour.

💌 P.S. We still offer Bali today (but it’s even better now)!

Behind the Scenes of My First Ever Tour with The Solo Female Traveler Network

Why Bali?

I was living in Australia on a work holiday visa, unsure if anyone would book a spot on my tour. I needed somewhere close to home, affordable, and a destination people would actually want to visit. Bali checked all those boxes, so I took the leap and booked my own flight for $358. I’ll never forget that number—it was the first financial risk I took for this company, my long time dream.

Self doubt and good friends

A few years after my mom passed, I was still grieving. She had been my biggest cheerleader and best friend, and I felt deeply lost without her.

When the idea to run a tour came to me, I called a friend who was also a successful business owner. We sat in a little booth at a budget outlet mall, and she gave me the pep talk of a lifetime. I’ll always be grateful for her patience, passion, and support that day. As women, we rarely hear a heartfelt “YES, YOU CAN DO THIS!” from the world. So, we have to be that voice for each other—because, girl, we can do whatever we set our minds to.

Time to get to work

To create a website, I needed some branding. Our “logo” isn’t just a design—it’s a symbol of our community of women, with deep meaning.

The triangle with a line through it represents both the Earth and women. I added a compass on top for travel and transformed the line into an arrow to symbolize our forward journey. I love it so much, it’s tattooed on my wrist—but that’s a story for later.

When I started SoFe, I was a broke backpacker working below minimum wage at a pizza place in Melbourne. We were built on passion, grit, and a little luck—not investors or funding. I remember sitting in my ex-boyfriend’s friend’s filthy bachelor pad, surrounded by piles of dusty video games, agonizing over the website design. I changed the WIX background to baby blue, thinking it looked good! The website was ugly, but it was done, and I was ready to launch the Bali trip I had nervously planned.

From Zero to Oversold

I published the webpage for our first tour, and the response was overwhelming—it sold out fast! I wasn’t fully prepared for the rush, and I ended up accidentally overselling the trip. In the end, it worked out better than I could have imagined. I booked larger villas in Bali to accommodate everyone, and the experience turned out to be even more magical than I anticipated.

We stayed in two stunning villas, one in Canggu and one in Ubud. I included all meals for the group, which, in hindsight, was a bit too much. It made travelers feel like they needed to stick with the group to eat, limiting the solo time that many craved. After all, these tours are meant for solo female travelers, and I wanted everyone to have space to enjoy their independence.

We had 17 amazing women join us on that first trip, and even though we’ve done many tours since, it remains one of the most special ones to date.

Hiring the Team in Bali

One of the biggest lessons I learned on that first trip? Not hiring help to put together the team. It’s a lesson I take with me to every destination now and think about often. I didn’t account for cultural nuances and, honestly, I had no way of predicting the problems that would pop up.

I ended up hiring our team myself— a cook, a driver, a day tour guide, and an operations assistant. But I had no idea that the Balinese assistant and the Javanese driver wouldn’t get along due to long-standing cultural differences. The driver wouldn’t listen to my assistant, which led to extra work and some operational hiccups. The travelers were thankfully unaware. In the end, as long as the travelers are happy, I am happy, but this was a serious challenge behind the scenes!

Then there was the cook, who was Muslim, and the guide, who was Hindu—another culture clash I hadn’t seen coming. We had a bit of a rocky start, but I quickly learned how to resolve things. Thankfully, the one thing my team had in common was a respect for authority, and after stepping up with some strong leadership, things fell into place.

What a wild ride! Now, I always hire a local operations person who has amazing connections in their home country. This ensures the team clicks and trusts each other before the tour even begins. These days, our teams are rock-solid, and it’s one of my favorite parts of running this business—the incredible people I get to work with all over the world.

A total success!

Running our very first tour to Bali was hands down the most challenging thing I’ve ever done in my career. But it was also one of the most successful tours I’ve ever led. 9 of the 17 women on that trip ended up getting the logo tattooed, because they truly felt the community, freedom, adventure, and joy that I always envisioned The Solo Female Traveler Network to embody. I’m so proud of that first tour, and I’m deeply grateful to everyone who helped make it a success.

What started as a dream to create something meaningful has become a community of bold, adventurous women who share in the joy of exploring the world on their own terms. This isn’t just about the places we visit—it’s about the connections we make, the courage we find within ourselves, and the memories we create together.

While there were some bumps in the road on our first tour, we have been running trips for 7 years, have established and incredible teams, and have perfected our itineraries to include local known places and experiences with our friends and colleagues you probably wouldn’t find on your own. You don’t have take my word for it though, read what our traveler’s say.

Queer Travel: Tips for your First Solo Trip

Traveling solo always comes with its own joys and its own obstacles. That fact is no less true for a queer person. Within the LGBTQ+ community, there are dozens of different intersections and experiences that can factor into how your experience traveling solo might pan out. If you’re about to embark on your first solo trip as a queer person, there are a few key things you should bear in mind to make sure your first foray into traveling alone is as safe and as much fun as possible. Here are some tips and tricks I picked up traveling solo as a queer woman.

Safety First

I would love to tell you that, no matter where you go, your identity will be accepted and you will be safe to travel authentically as you please, and hopefully one day, I will be able to. For now though, there are unfortunately some areas in the world that are not always safe for LGBTQ+ people. Whether there is a lack of laws in place to protect queer people or whether it’s based more on cultural attitudes, there are some ways to work out where is safe and what sort of measures you might need to consider in advance.

Equaldex.com and 76crimes.com are two free online resources that can give you some expectations in advance of which countries are safe and ones where you need to be more careful. Remember that different regions can have different attitudes too. For example, major cities can often be more accepting than rural regions. Another great way to scope this out is to ask on LGBTQ+ networks that you might be a part of, like a Facebook group for travelers. Getting someone else’s recent, relevant experience there is often really helpful, especially if it’s for a more remote locale.

Once you have the information, it’s up to you what you do with it. Many queer travelers choose not to travel to areas where LGBTQ+ lifestyles are not supported, reasoning that they don’t want to spend their travel budget somewhere that doesn’t respect their human rights. Others believe that laws don’t always represent the people. I have had many wonderful trips in places where my sexuality is technically forbidden. The important thing to remember is to only do what you feel comfortable, and be aware that you may need to hide certain aspects of your identity if you want to go to places where being LGBTQ+ is still illegal.

Find Community

One way to make solo queer travel easier, even if you are in a country where attitudes towards LGBTQ+ people are less than friendly, is to find a safe space and a community before you even arrive. Look for LGBTQ+ friendly hostels or see if there’s a cluster of queer-friendly bars and restaurants which might make a good spot to book an Airbnb. Although I am a big fan or supporting local businesses, sometimes chains can be safer. A US- or European-owned chain, even in a country that might otherwise be unaccommodating for LGBTQ+ people, will likely be a more friendly place to call home while you’re there,

No matter where you are, remember that not all LGBT+ experiences are treated equally. LGBTQ+ friendly might apply to gay men and lesbians, but you might need to take different considerations into account if you are trans, as one example. Try searching specifically for what you need: type ‘trans woman friendly accommodation [INSERT CITY HERE]’ and see what comes up. This is another time where community-driven advice is great; see what others in your community have to recommend if you’re heading to a new place.

Learn Key Phrases

If you have any accommodation that might need to be met on your travels, such as explaining gendered documentation at airports, knowing a few key phrases in the target language in advance might save you time and potential stress in airport queues. In countries where less progress has been made at having gender-neutral options on forms or where officials have less experience in processing passport photos where you might look different in real life, try and have some words or phrases ready to go. These could be:

I am transgender.
I am gender non-conforming.
I need to speak to an official.

I’ve also had non-binary and trans friends of mine create little cards in the target language explaining their identity. It might seem like overkill, but it can save you an exhausting and potentially triggering debate at airport security – vital if you’re as bad at timekeeping as I am!

Know when (and when not) to educate others

If you’re traveling somewhere that doesn’t have a particularly open LGBTQ+ community, it’s likely you’re going to get a few probing questions, often entirely well-meaning. No matter how kind the intention, remember that it’s never your job to educate other people. Your identity is your own and being queer is not synonymous with being the world’s friendly LGBTQ+ teacher. Always feel within your rights to politely say you don’t want to answer a question if it’s too personal, you’re too tired, or you just plain don’t want to. You’re on vacation, after all!

If you do decide to chat or explain certain things while traveling, be sure to take care of yourself at the same time. It can be exhausting to have to explain your sexuality or identity over and over again. Sometimes people don’t realize how probing or intrusive their questions can get. Set some boundaries for yourself and don’t be afraid to make other people respect them.

Be an Ally

Whether you’re a cis, straight person reading this or a member of the LGBTQ+ community yourself, allyship is one of our biggest assets as queer travelers. Even a solo traveler doesn’t need to walk alone all the time. If you travel with any level of privilege, try and be in tune with ways you can use this to help other people to feel more comfortable and safe while traveling.

Give as much as you get to queer communities you find while traveling. Be ready to lend a helping hand, step in to help another queer traveler if they’re struggling, and treat those you meet along the way as you would like someone to help you out if you needed it. Solo travel is one of the most rewarding things we can do in life – but it doesn’t mean we can’t find friends and community along the way.

Umoja: The Samburu’s Women Only Village

Umoja is a village located in northern Kenya, close to Archer’s Post. What is so special about it? Its inhabitants. Indeed, this community was created by women, for women only.

In practice, that means only women and children are allowed to live in Umoja. Men are banned from entering the community. Actually, traditions remain strong in the area, and with it, patriarchy and gender based violence (GBV). But where you can find patriarchy, you often find resistance. This is what Umoja – which means Unity in Swahili – is all about.

This village was created 30 years ago by Rebecca Lolosoli, a local Samburu woman from the Rift Valley, along with 14 survivors of GBV and promotes sisterhood above all else. Today, it shelters about 50 women and 200 children, all survivors.

A dire situation for women in the Samburu region

You might think that completely cutting men out of your life might be a little extreme. But the women of Umoja felt like it was the only way to be safe and free.

Gender based violence is extremely prevalent in the area (even more so compared to the rest of Kenya). Early marriages and female genital mutilations (FGM) are a very common occurrence for Samburu women, as well as rape. Rape victims often refuse to speak up because they face retributions for bringing “shame” to their community.

That was the case of Jane, 38, current resident of Umoja. She recalls: “I felt so ashamed and could not talk about it. I eventually told my husband’s mother. When she told my husband, he beat me with a cane. So I disappeared and came here with my children.”

It is very difficult for them to seek change, as they are usually not allowed to participate in the decision making process. Without any kind of leadership, it is very challenging to introduce cultural change. According to Naguei, one of the founders of the village, “In Samburu culture, we say that women are the neck and men are the head.”

Even if women are brave enough to stand up for themselves, speaking up can be very dangerous, as Rebecca Lolosoli would tell you. When she spoke up in favor of the women in her community, she was brutally beaten by some men in her village. “I started talking about helping rape victims and the next time my husband left on business, the men beat me severely. I left the hospital and my parents said I should rejoin my husband. He said nothing about what the men had done, so I realized I could be killed, so I left.”

The creation of Umoja

Lolosoli faced a brutal refusal to address women’s issues in her community. Facing danger herself, she opted for a more radical solution: secession!

She gathered 14 women who had been victims of GBV and created Umoja. In the past, all of these women had been ostracized by their community because of what they had suffered. But led by Lolosoli, they refused to simply accept their fate. The government gave them an abandoned land, and their new journey began: they built a haven for women in need of protection.

Residents of Umoja are victims of rape, forced early marriage, FGM, or domestic abuse. Like Memusi: “I was traded for cows by my father when I was 11 years old, my husband was 57.”

If the stories of the women of Umoja can be very hard to stomach, their lives and their journey now, is truly inspiring and a cause for hope.

In Umoja, women feel safe and can rely on each other to live. In other words, they gave to patriarchy the best possible answer: sisterhood! Like Judia: “Every day I wake up and smile because I am surrounded by help and support.” Or Rosalna: “If I had not come here, I don’t know what my life would be. I probably would have undergone female genital mutilation and gotten married off as a second or third wife to an older man. These women raised me, allowed me to have an education and defied all those traditions.“

As you can see, this village is not just a safe place for women, it is basically a revolution.

How do things work in Umoja?

The women of Umoja earn their income with tourism. They are managing a campsite close to the village where tourists can stay overnight. If they wish to visit the village, they have to pay a small fee. Once in Umoja, tourists can buy traditional beaded jewelry created by women.

All the money earned by these women is then pooled, and redistributed equally by Rebecca Lolosoli, according to the size of each household. The extra money is then used to pay for the needs of the community: education for the children, emergency fund, etc.

But that’s not it! Those unstoppable women also have advocacy programs for girls of surrounding villages. They go to neighboring communities and inform women and girls about their rights regarding early marriage or FGM.

Are women really safe in Umoja?

Of course, such powerful women, managing to live on their own, are not to everyone’s liking and not always safe. Men of the surrounding communities are not all on board. In fact, Rebecca Lolosoli often receives threats because of her activities.

But it will take more to deter these women. “I have no regrets for what I have done. In fact, I am proud that I contributed towards betterment of other people’s lives. I will march on until men recognize and respect the human being called woman and her role in society,” says Rebecca.

In order to protect the women of Umoja, fences surround the village. But it is not rare for men to try to enter. However, as soon as one is spotted, women call the local police to have him removed.

So you might wonder, are male tourists allowed in? Yes! According to Rebecca Lolosoli, “Men are forbidden to live in the village, but may visit as long as they behave and abide by the women’s rules.”

If only women are allowed to live in the village, how come there are so many children born in Umoja? Women are allowed to maintain relationships with men outside of the village. According to Lelumbe, “If I want a baby, I can go out to get one.” Simple, right?

Is Umoja the only village of this kind?

The idea behind Umoja has been emulated, and nowadays, there are a few women-only villages in the area. Indeed, not all women are completely in tune with Rebecca Lolosoli’s vision.

Most of those villages have been created by former residents of Umoja, who wanted a safe place for women, but with different rules. It is for example the case of Nang’ida (which means happiness), where men are allowed, only if they abide by women’s rules. That means, for example, that the chores are chosen freely, and not according to gender.

This idea seems to be spreading in the area, where women are choosing the rules they want to live by.

If you are a female solo traveler, you probably have dreamt about this kind of place. A place created by women for women, ruled by sisterhood. If some view this solution as extreme, or even unhelpful in terms of cultural change, we have to view it as the women in Umoja do: a necessity.

Traumatized women can come to Umoja to seek shelter, even if just for a while, to rebuild, rehabilitate, and simply keep on living surrounded by sisters. Refusing to mix with the other sex is not a luxury for Samburu women, it is considered the only way to truly be free. As long as gender based violence is alive and well (and it surely is in the area), then women will have to find a way to protect themselves, even if it means isolating from men.

FAQs: Umoja – The Samburu Women’s Only Village

1. What is Umoja Village?

Umoja is a women-only village in Samburu County, Kenya, founded in 1990 as a safe haven for women escaping domestic violence, forced marriages, female genital mutilation (FGM), and other forms of oppression. It is a unique community that empowers women through economic independence and cultural preservation.

2. Why was Umoja established as a women-only village?

The village was founded to provide refuge and support for women who faced abuse, gender-based violence, and other harmful practices. It creates a space where women can live freely, support one another, and build a sustainable livelihood without male dominance.

3. Can men visit Umoja Village?

While men are not allowed to live in Umoja, they are welcome to visit as tourists. This helps the women generate income through tourism, as visitors can learn about Samburu culture, purchase handmade crafts, and tour the village.

4. How do the women of Umoja sustain themselves?

The women of Umoja rely on income generated through eco-tourism, selling traditional Samburu beadwork, and conducting cultural tours for visitors. These activities enable them to maintain their independence and provide for their families.

5. What is life like for the women and children in Umoja?

Life in Umoja is centered around communal living, where women work together to support each other. Children receive education, and the women actively pass down Samburu traditions and skills to the next generation.

6. How can I visit Umoja Village?

You can visit Umoja by traveling to Samburu County, Kenya. Many local tour operators offer trips to the village as part of cultural and wildlife tours in the region. It’s recommended to book with a reputable operator to ensure a respectful and enriching visit.

7. What can I expect during a visit to Umoja?

Visitors can participate in cultural activities, learn about Samburu traditions, interact with the women of Umoja, and purchase unique, handcrafted beadwork. A guided tour often includes storytelling about the village’s history and its role in empowering women.

8. Can I support Umoja without visiting?

Yes, you can support Umoja by purchasing their handcrafted beadwork online through trusted platforms, spreading awareness about the village, or donating to organizations that work with the community.

9. Is Umoja the only women-only village in Kenya?

Umoja is one of the most well-known women-only villages in Kenya, but similar initiatives exist in other parts of the country, inspired by its success. Umoja remains a symbol of resilience and empowerment for women in Samburu and beyond.

10. Why is Umoja significant for gender equality?

Umoja serves as a powerful example of how women can overcome systemic oppression and create a self-sufficient, supportive community. It highlights the importance of economic empowerment and education in advancing gender equality in traditionally patriarchal societies.

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5 Female Focused Cultural Experiences

We women are extraordinary, in body, brain and soul. And as women who travel we get to explore ourselves in many wonderful ways. Here are some unique experiences and festivals from around the world to celebrate our female form and function. From experiencing sexual pleasure to praying for childbirth and honouring menstruation – here’s to us!

Yoni Massage in India

Have you ever had your lady parts massaged by someone else? No, we don’t mean from a partner. Yoni massage stems from India and is a form of intimate massage. What this means – in the simplest of terms – is relaxation and pleasure derived from intimate touch and erotic massage. Aficionados would continue to tell you that Yoni massage stems back centuries in Hindu and Buddhist practices, and that taking part in it will help you connect with your vagina sexually, yes, but also emotionally and spiritually. Yoni massage is as much about exploring your own stimulants and pleasure as it is the final climax; something achieved as you learn techniques for breathing and techniques to – well – pleasure your yoni.

And yes, yoni does mean vagina in Hindi and Sanskrit. Don’t say we never teach you anything.

VAGINAL STEAMING IN SOUTHEAST ASIA

Speaking of your yoni, have you tried vaginal steaming? It’s a fairly common spa technique across Southeast Asia and is (almost) as simple as the name suggests – steam is directed onto and up your female parts. We say, ‘almost’ because based on stories from those who have participated in this ancient ritual, any preconceptions of personal privacy must be left at the door as you strip naked from the waist down and sit on a chair with a ‘steaming potty’ underneath it. The steam may come from water alone, or it may be herbally-infused. Common herbs used in vaginal steaming are lavender for relaxation, rose petals for toning, and mugwort to ease cramps. If you’re not sure whether it’s for you, we spoke to someone who’s actually tried it, to find out what it really feels like. She said; ‘while the experience was incredibly intimate, it also felt strangely natural. It was refreshing and calming and left me with a feeling of having been completely cleansed – it’s not dissimilar to the feeling of a facial steam!’

FESTIVAL OF MENSTRUATION IN NORTHEAST INDIA

Every June the ‘bleeding goddess’ of Hinduism sees hundreds of thousands of people visit her temple in the Northeast Indian state, Assam. Otherwise known as Kamakhya, she is a tantric goddess who is believed to menstruate once a year, during which pilgrims from all over India celebrate with a 3-day festival, the Ambubachi Mela. Menstruation is commonly viewed as taboo within India and as such regulations are often asserted on women during this time; no cooking, no sex and no entering temples, for example. The Ambubachi Mela – while progressive in its acceptance of female bodily functions – ultimately follows course as the Kamakhya Temple closes for 3 days while the goddess is ‘cleansed’. Visit to tune your mind into your body, and to join thousands of others in praying for fertility.

Vipassana Meditation in Myanmar

Can you wake up at 4AM and stay silent for 10 days in a row? Welcome to Vipassana meditation. This ancient-Indian practice was reintroduced to the world in its current form via Buddhist Monks in Myanmar, and today there are active centres throughout both countries. While not strictly aimed at females (men can take part too) the meditation sessions are always segregated into gender. The belief behind the silent meditation is ‘anichya’, or ‘all things are temporary’ and, as the CEO of Twitter found out, that means that even if you’re being bitten by mosquitos you must let them do their thing, until they decide to move on. But – we hear you exclaim – no speaking for 10 days? It’s telling that most participants don’t cite this as the hardest part. Instead, as one Vipassana-goer told us, “it’s the resulting action of having to really get to know yourself; the good, the bad, and the ugly”.

If it’s good enough for the Twitter CEO, it might be good enough for you too. But remember that gender-segregation? Don’t expect to meet him there.

RED TENT GATHERING

Red Tent Gatherings bring women together to explore femininity in all its varied forms; emotional, sexual, psychological, hormonal, and more. Gatherings take place at the time of the new moon, a time at which it is believed women’s menstruation cycles should – in a world undisturbed by modern conveniences and technology – also begin. Originating in Native American culture, the aim is to provide a safe space for women to rest, relax, revive, share stories and empower one another. Today, Red Tent Gatherings have become a global movement and events take place throughout the world. One recent participant admitted that she was comfortable to speak about things she hadn’t even shared with her husband saying, “it was a direct result of women supporting women”.

A truly great way to break down your own barriers, and to bond with fellow females.

bonus: THE PENIS FESTIVAL IN JAPAN

Traditionally the penis festival in Japan, officially known as Kanamara Matsuri, was a space to pray for fertility, safe sex and healthy childbirth. In recent years this unique festival has become social media famous and has, in turn, turned into quite the flamboyant spectacle. Pilgrims carry huge models of male genitalia through the streets of Kawasaki while crowds look on dressed in plastic penis or vulva costumes, and street vendors sell penis shaped lollipops, candles, headwear, and more. It’s all taken in good humour however, and the festival raises money towards important research into HIV.

Go expecting to get some fun selfies, not to achieve any sense of spirituality.